“It’s your fault.”

I'll never forget those damaging words my relative told me when she found out about my husband's affairs. My heart sank to my stomach and I felt like my breath was knocked out of me. It sent me into a desperate spiral of needing to fix my marriage. It was my burden to bear because it was my fault.

So I tried. For over a year. I threw my heart and soul into fixing a marriage that wasn't fixable and losing myself even further in the process. How incredibly harmful my relative’s words were.

. . .

Words are powerful. 

At first, I thought I’d never be ok, that I’d be distrustful, bitter, and alone for the rest of my life. I silently dealt with abuse, betrayal trauma, and the consequences of someone else's horrific life choices. 

After finally leaving, I’ve spent several years of intense healing and while things occasionally come up that I have to work on, I’m at a point that I am ready to put myself out there again.

The road to healing is long and difficult. I see you and pray for you and those who are still silent about their hardships and suffering.

For those who are struggling with betrayal, I know it’s awful, hard, and messy. Only you know what you need to do. I’m not going to tell you to stay or tell you to leave. That is up to you. I will say this—if you know in your heart that something is off—it is. Trust your instincts, no matter how hard it will be. I know it’s scary to be alone and to try to move on and trust again. It does get better and it’s ok to seek and ask for help with healing from the trauma. Some of you have reached out to me with your stories. My heart breaks with yours because I know how that feels. The pain of betrayal is a pain I don’t wish on anyone.

There are days when you’re fine and you think you’re past it, and days when you think it won’t ever stop hurting. I’ve been there, I get it. Just know that you will heal from it, and you will find the love you deserve. You are not unloveable. You are not a failure. It is NOT your fault.

You, my lovely friend, are a child of a loving Heavenly Father. He sees you trying. He sees your struggles. He hears your prayers. He counts your tears. It hurts Him to see you go through what you are going through. He knows that it will help you become who you need to be and that through this darkness, you will find the light and bask in it.

There are many things in this life we cannot control. But what we CAN control is our own efforts. There are many things I've prayed for this past year. Some things have come to pass, many have not. BUT...I'm seeing God's hand working toward those blessings. God loves each one of us and He knows when those blessings are needed. I pray to know what I can do to help facilitate those blessings, and do my best to follow those promptings.

You also have a wonderful Savior who took on all this pain for you. Seek Him. He will comfort and help guide you through your journey as He has with mine. I know He lives. I know He loves me and He loves you. He is the only way to true healing.

Sending you love, light, and hugs today!