October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
I can't finish out this month without spreading awareness and bring light to its destructive force.
I've struggled with an incessant need to write this all week and fought it. Someone needs to hear this, otherwise I wouldn't be inspired to share. I don't share to gain sympathy, but to truly help or inspire someone if I can. I pray God will lead me to exactly what I need to say.
We don't always know what someone struggles with and sometimes we say the wrong thing. I'm sure I put my foot in my mouth tons of times before I knew better and tried to do better. For those I haven't done my best with, I am sorry, I am trying to be better.
You don't know what you don't know until it happens to you. I used to see people stay in toxic relationships and wonder, why don't they leave? Why stay in a marriage if that person is abusive or unfaithful?
Well, God certainly has a way of humbling you when you need it. I'm not sharing this to call anyone to repentance, I'm sharing to help you understand that you do not know what that person may be struggling with.
You don't know how hard or how long they've prayed for their partner to overcome their struggles, to be better. You don't know how hard they've prayed for a better marriage. You don't know how scared that person is of being alone. Of starting over. Of upsetting their spouse, or instigating the abuse.
You don't know how ashamed they feel, or hurt, or confused. You don't know how they feel like a failure. You don't know if they recognize they deserve better because they've been conditioned to believe otherwise. You don't know if they even recognize that they are being abused because it was subtle and slowly built up that what they experience is what they believe to be normal.
I was one of those people. That was my marriage.
I didn't leave when I discovered my ex's porn addiction early on in our marriage. Instead of processing my feelings, I offered forgiveness and help for him to overcome it.
I didn't leave when his 300+ pound frame cornered me in anger and his fist slammed into the armoire behind me. I promised I would try harder to be more understanding, more this, more that.
I didn't leave when he relapsed. I continued to offer support and forgiveness, all while losing myself and ignoring my own hurts.
I didn't leave when his fist flew past my face and slammed into the roof of the car. I quickly agreed with him and I promised I would try harder to be more understanding, more this, more that.
I didn't leave after I discovered he'd had an affair. As I sat there, my heart torn open, chest heaving with sobs, gasping for air, he remained bored and callous. As if he did nothing wrong. It was my fault. The sick part, all I wanted was for him to comfort me. Instead, I worked on forgiving him and moving forward. He'd made a mistake and we went to counseling. He promised not to do it again.
I didn't leave after I found baby pictures--of their baby. He had continued the affair. I struggled with what to do. I had put so much time and effort into our marriage. We had children together. This was supposed to be forever.
I was scared and ashamed. And I thought it was my fault.
I didn't recognize then that he'd been abusing me and cheating on me our ENTIRE courtship and marriage.
I prayed to know what to do. I prayed harder than I'd ever prayed in my life. I still didn't leave right away. Didn't tell anyone what had happened. I couldn't face it that he'd done it again. I was so blind. I didn't want to start over, couldn't start over.
He had taken EVERYTHING.
So, what made me leave? What finally gave me the courage to walk away?
He told me, "All cards on the table, I still love you and want to stay together, but every time you open your mouth, I want to tell you to shut the f@#k up."
Something in me snapped and I realized this is not the example of a marriage I want for my daughters. I didn't deserve to be treated this way. My daughters didn't need to see their mother being treated this way. Abusing a mother is abusing her children.
So I packed up myself and my daughters and I left. I thank God everyday for helping me see the truth and for giving me the courage to leave.
I didn't consider myself a victim of domestic violence.
I didn't know I was abused until I started therapy after I left. ***Because he never actually hit me.*** Little did I know there are other forms of abuse that are harder to see and just as hard to recover from. I struggled with regrets of not leaving sooner, not recognizing the abuse, for going against my intuition. I thank God everyday for my amazing therapist and for my family and small group of friends who've helped me through all this.
It is a travesty that we must quantify abuse before we consider it as such. Whether it’s physical (or threats of physical) violence, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, spiritual abuse, fiancial abuse, or psychological abuse, no degree of it is acceptable. Our society has been complacent with it in smaller degrees.
And that is the problem right there.
Abuse is abuse. It should not have to get out of hand before someone says enough. Before the victims are believed and given the green light to leave.
ENOUGH.
Every single person is deserving of love and to feel safe.
Stop the abuse. Stop the victim shaming. Stop enabling the abusers.
ENOUGH.
For those who are not a victim of abuse, please be gentle with others who may be facing similar situations. You just don't know the full situation.
For those who are facing similar situations as mine, it is not your fault. God loves you, He is aware of you, and He will help you. You are deserving of love and belonging. If this resonates with you - or if it has raised questions about your own relationship - please, do not be afraid to ask for help. You are deserving of love and to be in a healthy, safe relationship.
No matter your hurts, your trials, I testify that Christ has felt and atoned for it all. He is the true source of healing and will make up the difference where we fall short. You can heal from trauma, abuse, and betrayal. Hope is not lost.
